ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Beginning of the End Dear Diary, Have I lost all of my touch? Have I lost every trace of talent left in my body? The once that I was good, gracefully slipped through my grasp before I realized it? Am I then not special enough to read? To look at? Am I still admirable? Why does it matter? Why do I let it matter? All that matters is that I'm okay but I'm not. I feel quite strange. Not sad nor calloused and no happy feeling. I know I've got to feel something because I know the calloused feeling and this is not it. I've been nonchalant and different before and that is not it. I'm experiencing I haven't ever before that I just can't remember if I have because I've lost my memory of what I was. Sometimes I get faded images in closed dreamy like spaces because it was part of my past. But it's not enough. I can't feel it. I read somewhere you don't what people say just how you feel. But that's not it at all. Not anymore. It use to be that way. I use to be able to relate to that quote, to that saying, but not anymore. I remember what I said, what was said, where I was, what was happening. Almost in some scary transfixed way, emphasis on every detail, but how I felt is some blurred image. I know I feel. But where is it? Have I gone lame? Not knowing what I'm feeling anymore? I can't distinguish between happiness and sorrow? Have I become so lost? But no, that is not it either, becuase I know what it feels like to be in bewilderment and this is not it. It's not that at all. A new feeling. And I just don't know how to deal. 6:21 p.m. - 2003-07-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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