ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know? Dear Diary, Do you know what it’s like to cry and laugh at the same time? That breaking point where everything in the world has gone hazy because everything and nothing makes sense all at the same time. You’re breathing in and out pain like it’s oxygen. Do you know what it’s like to be unhappy beyond repair? Do you know what it’s like to look at the sky and wonder why you’re living at all? Do you know what it’s like to curse the stars even though the were the only thing that got you going through the night when you were a kid…when no one was home because you weren’t special enough to be with. Do you know what it’s like to sit on the swing and push yourself while all the other kids are playing basketball or dodgeball? Do you know what’s it’s like to be completely lost in a moment and hate that moment disappear because they’re laughing. And you’re running away and no one’s chasing you? No one cares if you cry or fall down on your knees. The scrapes are dripping down blood on your leg and you don’t care because it doesn’t matter. It nice because it looks like the red paint that the kids wouldn’t share with you in art. Do you know what it’s like trying drown yourself in the tub because you don’t have the means to find a bridge overlooking a river? Do you know what it’s like to want to die but secretly wanting someone want to save you…and all you’re doing is wanting someone to hold you. Hear you. Love you. You don’t have that because it doesn’t matter. Because no one will ever care the way you do. And when you finally get something…it’s not enough because all the pain of those past years…can’t be erased with one laugh. It can’t be erased with one kiss. It can’t be erased with one hug. You’re squeezing to tight. And you listen to the birds whistling their songs in the trees because the radio broke down…and you’re scared to tell your parents because you don’t want them to think you’re irresponsible…they’ll never get you anything after that. Do you know what it’s like to sit here and be surrounded with all your family members and feel so alone that you could be in your room and crying your heart out and listening to morbid music and it would still feel the same? Do you know what any of this feels like? Do you know what it’s like to be me…Do you know any of this? Any of this at all. I need to know that there are people out there that can scream the pain I feel. I need to know that when I look in the mirror that I’m not the only one seeing what I see, the lost potential in the eyes of small child. Maybe I changed so much that I no longer live within myself…because I wanted to see my reflection more in their eyes than in mirrors. I live in their eyes and if you want to see me, look there. You’re not going to find me looking through my own. With care, 6:21 p.m. - 2003-05-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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