ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brokenhearted Dear Diary, "You don't do it on purpose, but you make me shake..." They can only take me kicking and screaming. I'm not leaving without a fight and no one can drag me down. And even after what I just thought, I am scared. I want to go to Chicago to find out if there is more out there for me than what I just imagined. And...whether or not the happiness in my life is only found in the comfort of Romeo's arms. I am undecided because I want him to be "the one" more than anything because then I know...I have found true happiness. I found what I've been looking for the past 16 years of my life. It's what I was born for. But or noto know if this is "as good as it gets." If this is honestly all there is for me and nothing else. And I need to know whether or not I have brainwashed myself into believing that he's the one and that I need him. I have a scary feeling within myself. And I'm scared to say it because it would make it more real. It would make it tangible. It would be written in time and not all the screaming and yelling could take it away. I can't say it and I'm scared. I can't say it because I'm broken. I can't say it because I'm not sure what it means. From the many things I've learned from being this relationship and I've learned a lot, is that love is not perfect. Is that what you're suppose to learn? Is that what you're suppose to discover? If this is love, wouldn't it be all I thought it was and more. Why am I just so damn picky? Why can't I just not care? I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have a dream guy so then maybe Scott would be it. And I know I've learned a lot but I don't want this relationship to be just a "learn-from-relationship" I love him more than my life itself. I would die for him. I don't think I could live without him. I don't want to just look back and say, "It was a good learning experience," because it was more to me than just that. I want to have it always...always. And I'm scared because I know deep down...I am unsure. With care, 5:47 p.m. - 2003-05-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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