ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speechless Dear Diary, I don't know how to feel right now. I'm sort of in a lost daze, not knowing where I am. Does that sound too melodramatic? You know what's funny? Is the fact that I can write beautifully about something that's significant in a big way and then when something massive comes along I can't. I think it's because I'm at a loss for words. I want to go to someone for help, I want to ask my sister, the girl who is sitting right beside me in the biolab reading the 'Far Side' gallery comic book. I want to be able to tell her what's on my mind but I'm scared. I don't know how to. I'm not sure if I'm glad she hasn't looked across my shoulder, for some odd reason, by (I wish) some sort of fucked-up twisted fate that I wouldn't have to tell her voluntarily, but that she would look right now at the screen and ask me what's wrong because my face is in a disillusioned daze and I need someone to help me through change it. She had left for a moment and has come back, and I'm still speechless. She's sort of in a quandary, realizing she hasn't done an assignment that was due today, assigned months ago. But she has the confidence that she can overcome this feat. I wish I had it. I wish I had the confidence. And up until a few days ago, I was confident. I was confident as confident could be. I knew the consequences of my actions and yet for some odd reason they didn't frigten me up until last night when Romeo wanted reassurance. There are so many arguements spurned from the fact that I feel he doesn't confide in me, as I do him, that he's not my best-friend, in the way I view him as mine. So when yesterday, of the few times he comes to me for anything (because he argues he doesn't have problems)I failed to be a best-friend because I panicked too. A little bit with worry of what might happen next because my confidence faltered but my biggest concern is that he would leave me. And I felt unloved all at the same time. I didn't know how to feel, all he was doing was yelling at me to be quiet. Telling me to "Shut the Fuck up." And I did nothing. I sat motionless, not knowing how to feel, beecuase of the anxiety of the worry, because of the way he wouldn't speak to me at a time like this, the way I felt unloved after we made love. The other phone line kept ringing, and I never usually answer it, which obviously gets me in huge trouble with my mom because it could be my Dad calling from Chicago. Nevertheless, I don't click over that much but that night, I just did. And I wish I didn't. Everyone needed the phone. I did too. And I usually need it, so I don't have room to say I never have it. But I was concerned. I needed it now, more than ever, and so did everyone else. I had to tell Romeo that I'd call him later. And I knew as soon as I was left alone without his voice to comfort me, sooth me, or hold me, that I would start crying and I did. I cried because I was scared. I cried because he yelled at me. And I cried because I didn't know what I'd do if it were true. I held myself close to my knees, breathed in slowly in the darkness of my closet next to Blueberry, my only comfort. I had become someone that I had always looked down upon. People make their choices and they must suffer the consequences. I hated the people who made 'wrong' decisions and then they'd cry over it because they might be in trouble. And here I was doing something I hated that other people did and I hated myself even more with that thought. But I was prepared for them before because I thought they wouldn't happen and most of all I thought it was okay because Romeo was holding me up and now since he had faltered beneath me, I was alone and I had cry by myself. I called him shortly after my brother got off the phone and the phone line was busy. That's when I went hysterical. I felt betrayed. I felt like he was trying to get away from me. But I knew he had a good reason, right? I knew he wouldn't just walk away when I needed him like this. When HE need ME like this. But I still couldn't help feel soo alone for those 15 minutes. And then suddenly the phone rang and I ran up to it grabbed it before the first ring even ended and I hurried a 'Hello?,' and much to my dismay, it was girls voice asking for my sister. I fell to my knees and called my sister to pick up the phone. I told her I was waiting for a very important phonecall and she got pissed. I felt bad beecause I always used the phone and I wish that I wasn't soo selfish...but I was at that moment. I just felt really wrong. And I need Romeo to make me feel better about that. I closed my eyes on the door of my bath room, got up and then washed my face, as I was wiping it on a towel, my sister came in and gave me the phone. I asked who it was, and she replied, "Who do you think?." It was Scott. I was bewildered. I didn't know how to feel. Happy because I finally got to hear his voice but hurt because it took him an eternity to realize I was in pain. He comforted me and relieved my worry and restored my confidence. But there was something icky lingering in my heart still. I didn't know what it was and I don't know how to explain it. I regret it. And I hurt him as he said it. And I felt it hurt him but it hurt me too so I said nothing. I felt numb and burning at the same time. I still couldn't shake the betrayal even after he told me and I KNEW that he'd always be here for me despite whatever happens. I love him and he loves me and if happens, we'll both love the Baby. With care, 7:26 a.m. - 2003-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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