ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Empty Thoughts Dear Diary, I took off my uniform shirt because there were so many stains on it today. Well, actually there were quite a few stains that haven't been able to remove itself even after the wash and now after this morning during first hour I had a stain the size of texas on my shirt because I spilled coffee on it. I reaked the entire day. I'm pretty sure no one else smelt it besides me because whenever I moved the wind would just carry it up to my nostrils alone and I'd inhale as I walked between classes and studied in class. Then right before my last hour (7th) I was attacked by my friend, Ashley P. because I was trying to take a drink from the waterfountain, she butted in front of me, she started rinsing her wrist that was bleeding with pen and she was taking too long, so my impatience got the best of me, and I hit the water into her face. Gabby was beside me and she laughed hard, yelling "Dude, she got you!" It was funny. So I ran away to class, Ashley caught up with me and smeared it all over my face and shirt. The back of my coffee stained shirt looked like I got ran over by a car with a brush stroke of tire and tar (it was black ink pen) She asked for a ride home. Fuck no. So, it seems like I'm mad but I'm not. I've had my ups and downs all day. It's so hard to say what's going on in my mind right now because it's a mixture of complexity and emptiness. It's as if I think of something and dive into a completely different topic all at once. It's the difference between when you stick your hand in a bowl full of freezing ice for a minute and then put it in fire. That's exactly what the change feels like and it's starting to give me headaches. I am normal girl with normal problems who believes that I should have unusual problems to make myself a more profound person. But realizing I don't have tramautic problems, I make my regular problems into a big deal... ...this needs to stop. All day my mind has been empty because I don't want to think. I'm so tired of thinking. I'm so tired. So damn fuckin' tired. And sometimes I actually wish that my brain would stop and maybe I would die and it wouldn't be so bad because there's nothing much to live for. So let me die and I'll be okay. I wonder if that's actually how I feel because I'm pretty sure I'd never kill myself because I'm not that weak nor strong. But here I am, saying it because...because I think I should. Because I want to be a better person. Ironic isn't it? That I would think that wanting to kill myself would make me a better person. With care, 3:39 p.m. - 2003-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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