ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Retreat's Going to Kill Me Dear Diary, My stomach hurts and I am still sitting here. I have been sitting here for a few hours now. Wow, I have no life. I like the warmth of the laptop on my stomach but to accomdate my typing needs I have to have it on my thighs because I am lying down. So basically I am suffering a tummy ache as I write here. Romeo is suppose to call me around 4 when he gets off work and he says he'll see me tonite because we won't be able to spend time together because we both have to go to this bogus confirmation over-night retreat thing. Damnit, why does it have to be overnight? I don't know any of the girls that I'm probably going to have spend time with. That's such shit. So fuck me over with a thousand girls gigglying in a gym talking about the latest sex and make-up tips they learned from a beauty magazine. Pssshhh... I'll be lying there unable to sleep because I won't be comfortable. And I'd try to get out of it but I think it's a requirement. And Romeo's going anyway, so basically I'll get a wink and have to suffer from the otherside of the room longing for a kiss and stupid adult eyes will be the only thing holding me back. So watch me flake off into a daydream when they are talking about something that I'm suppose to be listening to, probably something from scripture. I'm not trying to be anti-religious because I love God with all of my heart. He had done everything for me. All I have I owe to Him. But, seriously now...3:15-1:00 the afternoon. That's almost an entire 24 hours. Besides the fact that it's going to be the last few days of moy springbreak. I hope no one really goes, so I'll be able to smile and listen. If there are too many people I get nervous. I think it's a phobia. I have a phobia. Didn't you know? ::SIGH:: I hate being around to many people. I hate going to places with too many people all bustled around me paying attention. Going to the mall or the grocery store isn't bad because everyone is doing their own thing, way too busy to notice me. But, at these pointless retreats, I actually *have* to interact with people. God, I think I'm going to piss in my pants. I hate this. I don't want to go! Someone save me. I want my Romeo. Sigh it's only almost 2. I have a ways to go. 2 more hours and I'll be okay. Thinkin' a little dependent? Maybe. I'm a screwed up chick in love, which probably means you're gonna end up with a fucked up combination of pyscho (sp?). I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow. I'll be sleeping and constantly surrounded by pretty blonde girls talking about what they did that weekend and who they did that weekend, whatever. Maybe that was a bit stereotypical of me. I'm sorry. But I can just see myself, sitting beside someone smiling fakly trying to seem like I fit in just so a damn adult wouldn't come over to me and try to ask questions making me feel more out of place. I don't like getting too close. I wish we could sleep boy-girl, I'd be right be Scott. I'd be able to fall asleep in his arms. Damn, impossible. I am trying to be optimistic and I hope they include me in a group of girls that I like. I hope they don't let us freely go with whomever we want because then that'll mean I'll be alone. I hope the adults are smart enough to remember that not all of us have friends, so they make groups on their own, to save the little people with shy tendencies, the people like me. I hope to God they can do that. Or maybe they can just pair us with our original group. Then I'll be with Scott for sure. Oh GOD!!! You know what I just thought of? Besides the fact I won't be able to even bring a cell phone...they won't let me bring a CD player! I would have been fuckin' OKAY if I had a CD player. Then I could listen to my music and I'd be me. And I wouldn't mind if no one would come up to me and talk to me, 'cause I'd be in my own world. And everything would go hazy and I wouldn't have to pay attention to what their talking about. I wish. Oh, please, I wish. ::SIGH:: But, you know what? I know it's not going to happen. I'm going to be alone and listening to stupid people in a corner by myself. I'll be by myself. SHIT! Motherfucker!!! I just need my music, please, don't take it away from me. If you want me to be okay, don't take it away. Don't take it away. I need something to hold on to. Especially if someone hits on my boyfriend tomorrow. Geezus-christo, (sorry) I can see it now...someone hitting on my boyfriend, not knowing that I'm his girlfriend, and they'd be flirting with him in front of me. I know it. AH! They were his friends before and he'll talk to them not knowing that he's making me jealous unintentionally. He'll give me a wink and he'd be friendly, tempting me to think, he's flirting. And it's going to hurt. And I'm going to look away. We just made love. Don't do this to me. Tomorrow's going to be fabulous. With care, 1:44 p.m. - 2003-03-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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