ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is this healthy? Dear Diary, I should probably start getting ready by now because I only have an hour and a half to get ready for Father/Daughter Dance. And one of my friends just IMed me asking what I was going to do to my hair and I have no idea. ::SIGH:: Today has been quite interesting. It's the kind of interesting that really isn't worth telling or describing but worth feeling. It's the kind that only makes sense to you because it would only matter to you. I'm listening to music that I thought I'd never listen to. I'm a person that I thought I'd never be. I think this is a good thing and yet a bad time at the same time. Often times I wonder if I'd be happier staying who I was. And then I remember that I met Romeo and meeting someone like that could alter anyone's life. I have changed for the better. I still have this feeling like I have to impress people, even with these words that I'm typing. It's sad because I stated many times in recent entries that I'm writing for me, which I am, it's just that I still want people to tell me that I'm great, that I'm inspirational. That when they read what I say, that I would inspire words in their heart that could be displayed in their eyes. I want to be this person that makes a difference, I guess that's the reason why I care so much. I guess that's why I want reviews. I guess that's why I want people to continue reading these thoughts of mine...because I'm hoping that I'll hope. I'll help in some way. I want books and I want songs...and I want to feel infinite. I want this world to love me for who I am. I want to be able to want this things without feeling awful for wanting them. It's weird because I'm wondering if I'm still deep. I wondering when you read this, that if you care anymore because it's not deep anymore. Because I'm scared, scared to tell. Tell me. I have a family. A great family that loves me. And this is all I need to survive, but I realized that to live...I need to be happy. It gives me some warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I have people who love me. But I realize...and does it make me a bad person to not be happy even when people love me? That I can't stay happy even though they love me. What am I suppose to do? I always thought love can solve all problems because it is love. My neck hurts but I'm glad that I am using my dad's labtop because it helps. It helps a lot in words that I can't explain. Maybe it's because it's sitting on my lap and it's closer. More intimate as if I could hold it. As if it were my friend. A friend. I wonder what it's like to have one of those girl kinds again. Romeo is my best-friend now. And I forgot what it was like to have one that I could giggle with, one that I could swap make-up tips with, ones that I can be a little girl with. I forgot what those were like. I forgot because I'm not close to anyone. And Romeo is all I have outside of my family. Is it healthy? I have thought about this. Whether or not spending all your time with one person is healthy, being with one person only, happy with one person only, whatever it I'm talking about, I hope I stop because this is not healthy. Thinking is good. Very good indeed. Romeo said he'd call me when I got home from school today. I told him to call around 4:30 because I won't be home until then and he called around 4:20 and when I called him he said he couldn't talk because Greg, Jacob, and Andy are coming over. ::SIGH:: I wanteed to talk to him. I was hoping he'd stay on the phone with me. But two minutes into whining about how he should stay on the phone with me and questioning why he didn't have them come over at 5 because he should take to me because I won't be able to talk to him later tonite because I have to go to a dance. Shit! The dance! I have to go. It guess whatever what I was talking about doesn't matter because I am happy he is hanging out with his friends now. He should and so should I. I just can't remember how. With care, Mayms 5:00 p.m. - 2003-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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