ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...By the one person who truely matters Dear Diary, I think this diary will just be for me now. That I won't care whether or not people like it, or what they think of it. That I never really needed those reviews because I was insecure in someway and I needed someone to confirm what I was writing about was good. And that it pleased others. I realize that I started this for me and one else, and that's how it should end. Because I realize now what matters is only my opinion and that other people are important but what I think is the most important of all. Today's the coldest on record for January 23. 9 degrees is the high with -20 degree wind chill. I skipped school. I don't know how to feel because at moments I'm so happy and other times in such extreme bewilderment, I question my purpose. I'm not sure if that even matters to any of you because everyone questions their purpose. But I want to live a life that I don't have to question. I once asked Romeo, what was the purpose of living...he paused for a moment and replied. "To live such a great life that you would never have to ask that question." I'll never forget it. And that's what I want. I want that kind of life. I'm doing my best to help myself but it is hard. With all the occuring events that are happening in my life, I often times fall short on my purpose and the reason why I live in the first place. Today, as I was walking down the stairs after hearing an amazing song on the radio, I stopped and looked at my hallway. My mom took down the framed success pictures. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of how I'm going to move in a few months. How my life will change in one day and that there's nothing I can do about it. How I'm going to lose Romeo with one last kiss and I'm scared to live without him. Is it safe to feel that way about anyone knowing you won't have them forever? And then you question yourself on whether or not it's worth it. And there's no hesistation there at all. It is. We are selling our house, yes. My mom told me to take down the pictures on my wall and now it barely feels like my room anymore. The other day, I cleaned my room because I had to take down the pictures but before that I want to make still memories of my own with my camera and I wanted to remember it when I could see things, so I had to at least clean it up a bit. I still left something on my bed and I still didn't vaccum the carpet. I cleaned my desk because it was getting messy and I wanted to look through things because I like seeing things that remind me of the past. The past may not be who you are, but it is what inspired what you are today. I cleaned my entire desk and even rearranged all my books. They were starting to clutter. Today, my mom told me to put away all my books in a box because we need to start really getting things in order. My books. My books... I stood there for a moment not knowing what to do exactly. Of course, the obvious thign to do was go upstairs to take them all down. But I didn't want to. It hurt just to think about it. It's awful because I'm moving and I won't feel at home there but now I'm told to strip my room clean of waht belongs to me, of what makes me feel like home, and I'm scared it won't. They are still my walls, and I'm still in my house. It's just that whenever I look at my bare walls, and the emptiness of my room and all the rooms, that I am reminded that I am alone and that I can't go to anyone because no one is there anymore. Because I don't know what to say or do. Because I'm always lost. I sit on my bed and wonder if this is the way I'll feel in Chicago. But the odd thing is when I'm upset, I just turn my head to the left of my room and grab the phone. And Romeo is there. But I realize then when I feel so much better because I love him and that he loves me. That when I get off the phone, I'm scared because, I wonder if I'll be able to do that in Chicago. Call him when I need him. I know he will always be there for me. But since we are so young. We will change and I'm not sure if I'll be the same person that he loves when I come back and I hold him and if that fire is still there. If that passion that still burns within my very finger tips will melt away becuase I've been gone for so long. I read a book recently. One of my friends told me to read it a while ago when we were at Borders. She said it is her favorite book in the world. I read the first few pages of it when I was with her and never really got into it because we were having such a good conversation about...everythng...that I didn't take much consideration into what the book had to say to me. Even though the words were very enticing having someone infront of me to talk to about real things was more than that. The other day, one of my friends called me up to talk about that book. She told me it was a good book and that I should read it. She gave it to me the next day, and I read it. I read it right after we had mass right at the beginning of 1st hour. I couldn't put it down. Lately, I've felt like no one is here for me. That whatever I'm going to go through I am giong through alone because no one understands. That I'm sitting here right at this moment, crying so hard that it hurts. But no one has knocked on my door or no one has called to wonder what was wrong. I still often feel that way and the emptiness has not subsided. Until I read the book. I had a friend. Is that stupid? Crazy? Desperate? That I could feel like someone was there for me by reading a book becuase I could relate? No, it's not even this shallow. It's so much deeper than that. And I can't put into words what I'm trying to say because there's never enough time and there are never enough words. I'm alone in a world with people who love me. I can't go to anyone because I've lost my sense of what to say. I've lost the way I felt in this entire world because whenever I think about things, I get calloused. And it's not the sort of calloused I was before. It's not the kind where I'm soo alone that I want to die. Even though that thought has crossed my mind. It's a different calloused. A TRUE realization that there are great people in this world, people with beautiful souls...that love me. But I know that everything sadly comes to an end. And that I should live for every moment, and that I am. I am living for every moment. It's just that I'm hurting so bad because I can't hold it. Because it slips away from me like sand. And I don't know what to do because having it for a moment, that thought, this clearness, just dissapears into undefinable words. "I feel infinite." That's it. It is the perks of being a wallflower of happiness and goodness that comes from being completley different from everyone else but there's a knowledge a sense of knowing that there are people out there that do care. And that even if you do feel alone, that you are fortunate because people love you. I've always wanted to be that little girl that grew up to stay the same. The innocence that never left her. The idealistic beliefs that there is good in everyone and that she can change the world because she is good and the rest of the world will be good if she tries hard enough. And she would. She would try hard enough. It's sad to know that I was the kind of girl that gave up. I regret letting myself ever get the way when I first started this diary, the way I was in 8th grade. But, I can't turn back and I often regret. But here it is, this is all I have, and I can't go back, so I'll stay. That she let the darkness of reality consume her, that she was drawn into wanting to die and questining life. That she questioned her faith, and her love. And that love of her family. And the love of the only man she's ever loved intimately. I'll never be that innocent little girl anymore because I cried for the pain of life. I've breathed in depression. Beacuse I wasn't strong enough to believe that the world was good in many ways and that there were many people holding my hand all along the way. That even though I fell and it broke their heart to see me fall, that they had to let me because this is the way of life, because this how it is, because in the long run, I would have been saved by me. By the one person who truely matters. With care, The only one that matters... 9:05 a.m. - 2003-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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