ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary

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What Jace said...

Dear Diary,

Okay, so I was talking to my best guy friend, Jace. And I think I got him hooked on literature, mostly Emerson and Dickinson. Go me. I'm proud of him, he's becoming a very interesting writer. And I love it.

...I'm having the hardest time talking about Scott to anyone. I'm having the hardest time trying to explain what's going on and how I feel. I'm not saying that the relationship is in some sort of quandary doomed for an end. (Which has an element of truth since I'm moving...but that's besides the point. But then again, he asked me to stay. That's a different story.) Jace and I were taking as we usually do...and I don't know.

Jace: From your poems [that] I am reading, it sounds like your lover is tearing you apart? Or is that to vent? Is there something deeper? Remember, I'm here to help.
May: I don't know what to say. Geeze, and don't call him my lover. You know his name. You make him sound silly.
Jace: Well that's ok May May, because I usually am at a loss for words more often than not :-)More like instead of lover, its your "love life"
May: You know his name, use it.
Odditian: Your love life has a name? Or your boyfriend?
May: Jace, don't play dumb. Geeze...sad.
Jace: Scott, am I right?
May: If you don't know his name...I'm not even going to say anything.
Jace: I am not afraid to come out and say it, but I meant was your life, and all the people you've known.. from the start that you've had feelings of love.. you have been in pain from it. [pause] oh ok, I was gonna say scott sounds like he cares a lot about you.
May: What the...where'd you conclude that from?
Jace: I've known you for... I don't know.. three years? this time I've read your poetry.. and talked to you about love and the like.. and it just seems that you have had a lot of bad relationships [pause] not this time. but from near the start [pause] ::sigh:: I am saying all the things wrong... [pause] I am trying to prove a point yet I can't explain it.. yeah, May, I agree...this is sad, lol.
May: lol, what's sad? And what from the start?
Jace: ...That I cant prove a point in the right words [pause] Ah, I'll tell you about it tommorow.. right now I am lost in things I couldn't explain now even if I tried...

I have so much to say when I think about Scott. There are always tons of thoughts zooming throughout my mind, like a fly caught between the glass and screen door. It's pretty sad, if you ask me. It's like I can't organize them because the thoughts of him don't make sense. All I know is that I've never been happier with one person in my entire life, and that he's the only one person that ever made me feel beautiful. I know you are probably thinking that I'm going through some phase that all teenagers go through. LIKE and lose. No, I'm in love and I don't care what you say because even though your opinion matteres to me, it doesn't here. I know I love him and I don't need to hear things that don't make sense, 'You don't love him'. The sad thing is that I'm probably going to contradict myself here in a few years and I don't care what you say either to that. I'm living for this moment and I'm tired of over analyzing things because I'm a damn cynical skeptic. I don't care. I'm in love and I'm happy, you can't argue that.

With care,
Mayms

10:42 p.m. - 2002-12-18

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