ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just Plain Dear Diary, It's late. I have finals tomorrow and I feel a bit tired but not enough to keep my head down on my pillow. The clicking of the keyboard is loud and ringing in my ears. I wonder if anyone else hears. The echo throughout the kitchen is making me a bit apprehensive. My sister is online as well and she advised to go to bed. I know I should, just give me five minutes. I think it must have been the coffee that's keeping me up. I don't need some wacky steriod or pills to keep me up studying. I was lying down when thoughts just started to creep into my mind and I decided to write them here. Maybe it was my nervous jittery-bug feelings right before I take a take test that's making me write this so I don't have to think about finals any longer. But that's not the entire jist of what I was thinking off. I'm a plain girl. I always have been, I always will be. The world is not kind to plain girls. Sometimes I want to be repulsive and completely ugly because then I'd have a real reason to hate looking in the mirror. Maybe then people would understand. People don't understand plain girls. They think they do, but they don't. I think the plain girls have it the hardest, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a plain girl, but it is true. The ugly girls are sought after because it's streotypical to say that they have the best personalities. The beautiful girls are the ones who will always remain beautiful in appearance until the day they die. But the plain girls are not sought after because there is nothing that distinguishes them from anyone else. There is nothing special. I hate ordinary and I told you I would die if I were. And I am. I am not special. This conclusion is tearing me up inside. But what can I do about it? Wish to be ugly? Then after my altered looks of repulsion, would I then just slump into some doldrums feeling sorry for myself because I'd never be anymore than that 'ugly' girl who never had a boyfriend, who remained a virgin for the rest of her life? Sounds like the only solution because then people would see how I feel about myself. They would see the person that I see everyday. That ugly appearance visible on their expressions. They would not bother to stop me from critising my looks and I wouldn't need to infront of them because I would know the truth. The truth hurts so I would not say. I could not bear to hear them say some sort of bullshit to try and make an ugly girl feel better about herself by saying, 'Oh! Of course not! You are beautiful!' I don't know where to go. But it often seems that it seems a lot better solution than being plain. For being plain just leads to the fact that you are over-looked. It is like being the middle child in an a family of 5, with three children, all girls. It is like being compared to the cute youngest and the beautiful grown up, mature oldest. The middle is just there and get's a simple, title of her name. No other adjectives added. It is sad but it is true. I am a plain girl and I have learned to accept it. Often times I find it somewhat bringing me down because I know I can never be who I want to be. I can never be anything more than this, than plain. I understand how the world is. No one has to remind me. I'm not blind just plain. With care, 11:59 p.m. - 2002-12-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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