ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Really Damn Long Entry Dear Diary, Okay so I *just* wrote an entry about a second ago but I honestly can't sleep. I can feel the roof of my mouth stick to my tea-stained tongue. The sugar is a bit of annoyance when it's time to sleep. Maybe I should brush my teeth? Well, hm, that sounds really disturbing...me hesitating on whether or not I should brush my teeth! Where's the good hygiene, May!? Usually I know how I feel and I have a reason to feel this way. It's just that my indifference has slowly crept over me without saying a word and I don't know how to talk myself out of being so nonchalant. ::shrugs:: Oh well. Finals are in less than a week and I should really make my study guides. One of my friends is selling some study guides for some money. They are pretty amazing, I have to admit. US History is 32 pages long, dear God! Even if I did buy it, when would I have the time to study thoroughly 32 pages?! If you are from 'sion' (School=Notre Dame de Sion) then...you're life basically revolves around school. It's sad and thinking about it makes me get a headache, no joke. I can't recall a time whenever I cared so much in my life. Getting good grades was a joke in elementary. I don't think my average scores of 78's ever really mattered to me. Probably because I didn't know that I was scoring average and that those 78's were C's. ::SIGH:: Junior High came rolling around and those A's started to matter a little more, mainly because I actually realized that I had a GPA and it might affect my highschool career. Even so, in Junior High, I had not cared that mucha probably due to the fact that I was depressed 8th grade year. Whatever. Now since Highschool has hit, I'm a walking-talking zombie and uttering nonsense of postulates, french subject-pronoun agreements, climate and weather change, why the reconstruction era after the civil war was beneficial, and the thematic significance of the Grapes of Wrath. Speaking of which, I have a huge test tomorrow about. ::SIGH:: Have I stuided?!?! Yes, some, I made some notes in the margins. The essay is going not going to be bad because I'm really passionate about one of the prompts. Although, I must admit, essays are usually a bitch. I feel some sort of awful when I think about school because I'm so scared that I'm not going to be good enough to get into the college that I want to attend. I'm going to cry just thinking about it. Since I'm moving to chicago...I wonder if I'll care there. I wonder if I'll care half as much as I do now about the grades I get on my essays. Will the school be just as hard? I can take it though. I'm a big girl. I can tie my own shoes and everything! Often times I find myself wanting to runaway from this small town. It's so annoying and there's nothing ever to do. I feel so suffocated because I know I could make a difference, if I was given the chance. It's so limiting where I live. I know it maybe a stereotype (correct me if I'm wrong) but when I'm up in Chicago...they seem so trendy, so up in fashion. The people up there honestly seem like the type of people who would have cliques in their school and I thought those were only in movies. I know cliques exist. I'm not naive to believe that they don't exist at all! It's just the really DRAMATIC cliques, the ones who are completely ditzy and there are the geeky people who just care about being popular. I know there are people out there like that...but I just still don't understand why people are so damn superficial...it's never really clicked with me. I want to understand and you coudl try explaining it to me. But even so, it doesn't make sense. I mean seriously, can you see the cliche seen where the ultra-gorgeous seniors are picking on an innocent geeky freshmen corrupting her and taking advantage of her? Shit like that happens I know...but not that extreme. Right? Damn, I must sound naive right now. I'm not sheltered. Maybe it's all due to my selective memory right now. I just chose to accept things that I want to accept. Bad May. Today on the phone with Scott we talked about what we'd do if we only had 24 hours to live or a week. He made me feel like I had it all planned out. As if I really had only a limited amount of time to live, that I was expecting to die, that I would know exactly what to do. I don't know exactly. But I definetly know that I want to do the things that I would have never done unless pushed. It's a bit out there...but still. I would rob a bank, take all the money I can, fly around, look at all the museums in Europe, all the landmarks in the world, every night I'd fly to Hawaii just to watch the sunset. I wouldn't sleep much because I'd be up talking to Scott all night about anything and watch the sunrise in his arms, I would go back-packing through South America, see all the animals in Safari's (sp?) in Africa. Go to Asia and get cultured! (Raise up to Asians!), learn how to speak my native langauge (tagolog), finally after last few days are coming, I would come home and spend time with my family and friends, tell everyone what I think about them and not let one word be missed, the last few moments I would make love to Scott ::blush:: and then lie in his arms as the sun came up and I died. Sort of tragic, isn't it? It is getting very late and I wonder why I'm up. The sleepiness still hasn't settled in, maybe it will if I lie my head down. I'll try it. Good night. With care, 11:06 p.m. - 2002-12-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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