ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pool of Lies Dear Diary, As I dive into a pool of lies. I feel myself drown in it's despicable promising words of love. And everytime I try to fight my way upwards, I can't because all the lies are bringing me down. Suffocating and with great difficulty I try to paw my way upwards to the surface of the thick and burning lies. I am cold and numb. The lies are screaming in my ears, sometimes luring with seductive voices to places and to thoughts never possible. I cry, my heart screaming in pain, but words lost in an echoe. I drag my fingernails against the hard concrete of the bottom, and my hands start to bleed. The blood dripping from my body makes the lies laugh in mockery. I cannot go on like this. With my bleeding hands and crying eyes, I claw my way up to the top. The surface so close with it's light. I can feel the lies getting louder and louder, the lies have traces of panic lingering in their tone. The lies screaming and becoming more promising, more believable, more desirable. My heart is slowly turning, slowly looking, I want to believe. I want to believe. My heart is as heavy as that piano you couldn't carry when you were a child. And all the weight is bringing me back down because my heart wants to believe. I cry even louder, thinking of a way out. And instead, I make promises to myself. "You are better than what he gives you. You deserve more than what you recieve. You could be happy." With these thoughts suddenly consuming my mind. I rise above it, I rise above all the anguish and agony. I grab the edge of the hard concrete side and pull myself up. I lie there, breathing with difficulty and pain. And no one is around, just me. I did it alone. The lies are still covered on my body as I struggle to find the strength to sit up. The lies are as thick and weighing down as tar. The tar is starting to burn and irritate my skin. It never truely fades away. After years of rebuilding myself I have never been the same. The lies are scars of words on my skin. A constant reminder. And everytime I doubt, I can see the words become more visible. The burn is humiliating and keeps me humble. I was in love yes, but not anymore. The biggest scar is on my heart, the way the X covers it so protectively, reminds me of an older brother or dad that never wanted his younger sister or youngest daughter to be with a man. I am alone now and it doesn't matter. I have not gotten over this man. I have only just begun. The epilogue of defeating the pool of lies is a far away goal. Someday I will get there. Until then...I am alone. With care, 9:09 a.m. - 2002-12-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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