ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What I live for Dear Diary, Look at the time. I think I have insomnia. I haven't had it in a long time. I remember when I was a little kid I use to cry myself to sleep some nights because everyone was asleep and I wasn't and I coudln't understand why. I still don't know why. I don't think life ever was as carefree for me as everyone elses life was. I don't mean to single myself out among many people and try to make myself seem more significant, that is definetly not it. It's just that it seems all around me, I'm surrounded by people who were happy and remember what happiness is. I think it must be my short-term memory. I'm growing old. Too old for my own good. I know not whether I am still a hopeless romantic but whatever. I guess that's okay. It doesn't bother me much because it shouldn't. I know not who I should be. Many would argue, "Be you!", the only problem is that I am many. Maybe a little too many. I think I am schizo (sp?). I recently just stated in one of my previous entries that I have been diagnosed by that by many of my friends. I don't konw what to say. So I just nod my head and give them that silly smile which still shows innocence in a grown manner. I'm torn between knowing who I should be and who who I want to be, which sometimes in itself coincides with each other. I am torn between these two thoughts because I know what people want of me. I know what makes people happy and I know how to make them smile. I do my little dance and jump up and down and make ass of myself just to hear them laugh. Because laughter is amazing and it's one of the few thigns that can brighten my day, especially if I know I inspired the music of smiles. I think they have made me a puppet for them. To please them. They do not know intentionally it was them who inspired this cloth-ed me with strings hanging on my every limb. They do not know that what I do is for them. It has always been for a laugh. I have changed though. I am this way, I am this fake way for the laughs. Who would want to live like this? Knowing you only exist to please others and NEVER yourself? It is beautiful to make an impact, to be surrounded by music of smiles. But, when you want to just lie down and sleep, you can't because they'll notice and they wonder why. The find it peculiar that you would be in any kind of state except happinesss. It is unusual. You are this happy-merry-go-lucky creature that smiles and laughs. Being nonchalant or showing some sort of sorrow is forbidden. It is wrong and looked down upon. You notice it too. And the guilt surrounds your body like a swarm of bees on honey. It's so thick you can feel it drip off your body. The syrup has reached to the bottoms of your soles and you leave footprints of it as you walk. I do not live for them. I do not live for me. I live for those who I love. That is it, that is all, there's nothing else. It's just that simple. I live for the few people that I love. My family, Malarie, Kady, and perhaps Scott. I live for these people and no one else. No one would miss me. No one would care enough to care. They wouldn't mind if I died. They wouldn't mind at all. I know this. I know this all to well. The lies are as irritating, hurtful, and itchy as rug burn. "I love you, May!" "You are such a good person! I will always care about you" They do not know that I know. That pure expression is on their faces, they do not care for me at all. At all. I know this all too well. I have never been loved by them. I understand, I understand all to well. I live for those who I love, that is it, that is all, there's nothing else. It's just that simple. With care, Mayms 12:04 a.m. - 2002-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||