ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now Dear Diary, Two entries consecutivey (sp?). I am very proud of myself and also impressed. I wonder how long this will keep up, I might ignore this diary once more in the coming few months because I am sometimes very busy and don't have time to type away. Or sometimes I feel stupid bearing my soul in a thousand different words to peolpe I do not know. But it is safe this way because I do not have to be mocked or feel ashamed in any way because I do not know any of you. And I doubt, that you read this still because knowing that I have neglected it for months has made you lose faith in me. I understand because it would have been the same for me. Why keep reading words and thoughts froma person who does not like to keep in touch? It makes perfect sense to me. Anyway, I just got home from Mass. And I realized that the world is so different now. The way I use to look at it before has altered in many ways. I think I have Scott to owe to that. He has made many different aspects of life for me. I know it may sound stupid to say that he has made me a better person, but I would be lying if I said he didn't. He's a great person. And even though, I am only 15, and I have no fuckin' clue what love is...I will always care about him. With every kiss he gives me and every embraces he touches me, I fall back in this cycle of having the world spin on all corners and I swear...it's like I can fly. I love him. I am in love with him now. I may not be in love with him always but I will always love him in a way that's safe. When I move to chicago and he stays here...I will know that once, for a moment, I was happy where I was. I was happy being with him. I was happy knowing that I had been loved by someone. It's almost unbearable to realize that this year is going to go by like Christmas time. But I will live for the moment. I will live for the moment because that is what he taught me. He says it's silly to always wonder about the future, he says that I worry to much about what's going to happen and that I should relax. I believe him and I trust him. I know he is right. I can't force myself to believe that I don't love him because I know that I won't marry him. I'm thinking about that silly true love that only exists in fairytales and in the movies. I understand now that this is what I have...that I can't always have my head in the clouds for that special dream guy that comes and rescues me ona white stallion. That's just a lie. He makes me realize that life is what it should be and you should just take things just as they are. For if I continue to worry about how the world is going to be in two years I'll never live for the now. I'll never live. I love him. I love him now. I love him. With care, Mayms 12:26 p.m. - 2002-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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