ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Growing up Dear Diary, I wanted to write in this little block of white to prove that I have not died. Heh, what a morbid way to greet everyone. I was intending to sound cheerful and come back merry but apparently I have not. I have come back only to speak in my first few words here, about death. That is very like me. So much has happened, I never really know where to begin. I am growing up, that's all there is to say. That's all I can say. Because basically that's the only phrase that can try to sum up what's goin' on in my life. I am growing up. That is all there is to it. I am growing trough pains that all people have to go through there adolescence. I find myself lost in my thought constantly. But c'mon, I'm always like that. I've always been like that. It doesn't matter how old I was, it doesn't matter what phase I was going through in at the moment, or even the time when I began this diary, I'm still the same growing person. Or I might not be...because I am growing. I might be different because life has made me different because of all the various mature thougths that take over my mind now-a-days. I don't understand the world quite just yet and I don't want to know just yet. I enjoy the mystery that life has for me. I am tired of looking at my feet all the time and sometimes I can't wait to grow up. Although, I can feel the slow child that once bore all of my happiness has slowly start to disperse. And here I am left with this lonely and adolescent body of mine which I care not to look at or admire (as some that are my age do). I am tired of looking at the world through these awful glasses of morbidity (word?) I'm tired of pretending that this world never had anything for me. Because it has. It has so much to offer me. I before, chose not to look for it. There are many things in my life that I regret. Many of which because, I have forgotten to say something or do something which I have always, in my heart, desired to do. There is no point in regretting something that which you have done, because like spilt milk, it can never be taken back. It is the same with a brokenheart, mourn it, mend it, and move on. There is never any point in staying a place for too long because it just slowly consumes all aspects of your mind. Slowly, ever so slowly, you become part of that place. Too much of one thing, one place, is never good. It slowly but surely turns you into what it needs, what it wants. You never would want that because it is the end. You can longer go further if you are stuck in a place. You are there forever. And if not forever, most of you will stay, even if some of you finds a way out. If you must stay in a place, find a place that you know you can live in forever. Not a place that doesn't want you. Or a place that will haunt your nightmares and dreams and make you a mourner of happiness. Make sure you can live with this place. Make sure that you can spend your days in this place because one day you will look around and know that this is your life. That this is the place that belongs to you, and you belong to this place as well. You cannot leave because for if you do, some of you will die. It will be lost for always. For example, 'The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinback. Grandpa died because he lived in this one solid place all of his life and once he was removed...died. Not entirely. His body was awake. His body was breathing. But his mind and soul had slowly drifted away because it could not bear to be away from its own. That is how it is. That's how forever it will be. There's no escaping it. Life is just this way. It's all a part of growing up. With care, 11:46 p.m. - 2002-11-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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