ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck my life Dear Diary, I can’t wait for the blood to tricke down my arm. I can’t wait for the pain to explode in harm. I can’t wait for the madness to end and yet I enjoy it. I love it. I live in it. I bath in the blood that made me insane. I cry out and I laugh at all those who die. I laugh I laugh so hard my face hurts. I laugh at the little children dying of diseases. I laugh at the old and feeble who crawl in wheelchair. I laugh morbidly for all the pain that this world causes me. I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. The indifference is mesmerizing. It’s a drug that I cannot let go off. The addiction is blood curdling. It is amazing. I live for the blood. I live for the pain and the hate. It surrounds me in a mound of torment and I laugh. I laugh so hard it makes my face hurt. I feel nothing for him I can can fell only indifference. It feeling. I am not in love. I awas so happy to believe that I could love somene. So I let it consume my thoughts. I love no one. IT is a good feeling. I luahg and I cry all at the same time. IT is a good feeling. Yay! Good for me. I will wait though, I will wait just in case to see if I still care. I know I care. Actually. I know that I do. But, I feel nothing. It must have been a figment of my imagination of I already feel this way without him. It’s sad. So Sad. Wow, I really don’t care about him the way I thought I had. I can’t believe I feel this way. I can’t believe that this happened. This is sad. I wish I hadn’t said ‘I love you’ because now I feel like a liar. Well, you can’t really blame me, I hadn’t known then. I know now of course. It is my fault and hisfalutwell. HE shoud not have said what he said. Oh well, his loss. It is ad. Very sad. That icannot love when mean to. I do not love him. I think I believed I had though. But I realize now I didn’t. I’m not going to use at trite line of, I’m in love within falling in love. Instead I’ll say something cleverer and not so cliché. He made me happy. I cannot deny. But, it wasn’t love. I feel like a liar for saying it. I feel like a liar, for say ‘I love you’. I was so ecstatic to realize that I might fall in love. So I jumped into the opportunity. I jumped so fast I felt my head spin. I feel really indifferent right now. I feel awful for feeling this way. Oops. What will I say? How will I say it? I am a bad person. 2:12 p.m. - 2002-11-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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