ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying to sum it all up... Dear Diary, I really should start another diary just because this one isn't me, as I once was. I am not as skeptical and cynical or negative. Yes, I am all of these things. But to an extent, ever since Scott came into my life (fuck that came off as the most stupid cliche fuckin' line I've ever fuckin' heard...and I said fuck about a million time too) I am such a better person for because of him. I TRY not to be as skeptical or cynical. There has been so much happening in my life lately that I'm not sure if there is enough space in these little white blocks to take all the words or if my fingers would have the energy to take it all. I don't know where to begin because there is so much to say. I am having a hard time, taking it all ine too. He makes the world so much easier to live in. And I am dead scared to admit that I love him, I have said it before, thought it before, and showed it before. But when it all comes down to it, I'm not sure what to believe. Falling for Daniel and Kohope were the hardest things to get over, but I did, I got over it. It was one of the most hardest things I've ever had to do with my life. Imagine loving someone since you were a child, loving them so deeply that you never thought of anyone else (sounds like the movie, Sabrina, my favorite movie). I don't know, I seriously thought I was in love with Kohope because I thought about him 24/7. And when I moved, it was hella hard to even get over him then. I met someone new, who became my best friend, Daniel, and I fell for him gradually too...but hard too, like a ton of freakin' bricks. For all in all, I think I care about them still, if I ever were to see them again, I don't know what I would do. I haven't seen Kohope in 5 years, and I haven't seen Daniel in 2. I think this is a good thing, so I had time to heal and move on. I hate sounding like a fuckin' article, telling little girls how to feel and how I got over it. But still, it's what I have and what I know. It seems unfair that I would tell Scott that I love him, when I have all these ideas, thoughts, and limits on it. I have such high expectations. I know I don't love him but it feels so right when I say it, and he's all that I think about. Before, I actually tried to ignore it and I got myself into a deeper hole, and it use to eat me until I just let it happen...I just let myself think about him. I never realized how much it would make me happy to be with someone. I know I am only a 15 year-old girl with silly fantasies about true love but I still made that promise to myself that I wouldn't. And I'm so scared to. But every time he holds me or looks at me I melt. Maybe it's just another infatation, it probably is. when I told him that I loved him, I had to get off the phone 'cause I couldn't how I felt at that moment, I think I just whispered a hurried "good bye" and hung up. I wish I hadn't said it but it felt so wrong not to, I'm tired of feeling or telling the world that I know what love is because I don't. I really don't. My friend, Jace, asked me "If you don't know what love is (as you said), then how do you know your in it or not?" It made me think more about it. I dont know...I just don't want to be another one of those LUV-struck teens about their boyfriends/girlfriends. It's stupid and I'm tired. All of my friends were so happy for me 'cause I actually found someone I wanted to be with. It's so hard to believe that because whenever I'm with someone I get all suffacated and bored within the first week. It's sad, I know. I try. But with Scott, it seems so damn right. It feel so good. I start tweakin' when I haven't spoken to him in a day, and I think about him every night before I go to bed. Is this even right? Should this be happening to someone like me? He makes me so happy. The reason why I didn't turn away this time is because the consequences never hurt as much as it did, if I weren't with him. I would break up with someone in the first month just because there was nothing there anymore (from me). But with Scott, I thought I'd feel that way too. I put limits on how I'd like him, and how much. But when it came all down to it, I didn't want to be with anyone else. He was all I thought about. And if I tried to turn away from him, like I did the others. I know it would be different because it would have hurt so much more. I just didn't want to feel like there was something that I missed. I didn't want to feel like I could have done something to ease this pain. So, I went for it. I went for it because I was selfish and I wanted to be happy with him. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like the world is spinning on all sides and there isn't enough time in the entire existence of this earth, that I could spend with him. I don't want to feel like I had any regrets with him, because I know...I know that this moment, from this moment, it's just going to get better and better. The irony is that he feels the same way. And I'm scared because I'm scared to feel this way about anyone. I'm scared to lose him, because I honestly think I love him. With care, 7:19 a.m. - 2002-09-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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