ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Art Dear Diary, I just recently finished the book ‘The Second Mrs. Giaconda’ by E.L Konigsburg. Amazing. Creatively written so credible it would seem that this book would have honestly happened. It’s fictional though. It’s how The Mona Lisa came to be. Beautifully written. I enjoy in art and I wish I could be an artist. But you know it goes, those who can’t paint, admire. I’m not sure if I had already stated but I wanted to be a Tour Guide at the Art Museum, but it seems that I had to be 15 AND ½. What can ½ a year do to you? I could understand maybe 16 (so you can drive) but what can 15 ½ possibly add? It doesn’t matter though. I can wait. Somethings are worth waiting for. I want to learn to be Artistic. I once considered myself that, but I realize I do nothing remarkable. Maybe a few sketches of scenery which have no essence of beauty at all. I’m not sure what it is that I’m good at, but one day when I find it, I promise I won’t let go and I’ll hold it with both of my hands. Never let go of a gift that makes you happy. Sometimes my jealousy of wanting to be better becomes monstrous as I compare myself to others. My God, I bet I could be good at something if I tried. But I know in my heart that if I wasn’t the best, I would be insatiable. And the slow drawing of not be a winner would eat at me. When I was younger my Grandmother had taught me to read. I was awful, I couldn’t read that well even in the 1st grade. I confused many letters and words. I couldn’t write at all either. Math seemed so much easier. But my Grandmother and I worked so hard and had lessons every night. Now Literture has become my best and FAVORITE subject. Math…my worst and most hated. I’m so regretful of my life. I honestly believe that practice makes perfect but it seems in Society today you must start early to be good at something. My reluctance to start anything new is due to my age. I know that it shouldn’t matter. I know it doesn’t matter how old you are to get started on something. I know the saying ‘It’s never to late to start over, or to start something new’. It just feels like if I tried…people would look down at me and say ‘why are you starting now? It’s so late.’ I don’t think I could take the embarresment and rejection. When I was younger, I was awful at typing. Geeze, I was horrible. I started in 3rd grade and everyone was getting such high WPM, and the most I got was 10WPM. It never bothered me then. Now I can type up to 95WPM. I just wish that I started things earlier in my life. I wish that maybe when I was younger I had more of a thirst to try new activities. So I would be able to put it on my College Transcript. So I would be more well-rounded. It’s eating at me so badly, that I can hardly think straight anymore. I want to be able to be good at something. Have something actually important in my life. Maybe Society should show some support to those who need to start over, who just realized a little late. I just want to start something new without that itching feeling that even as hard as I’ll try I’ll never good enough. I just want to start maybe…something like dance and not have the girls who have done dancing since they were 3 looking down at me, and saying ‘she sucks!’ (and they would even be younger than me). I always prided myself in believing I didn’t care what people thought, and at moments I…don’t. But I realize that this hunger for approval is taking a lot of strength from me. Maybe some angel would come down and show me that I have much to offer. That I have all the potential in the world to be the best at what I do. I just need support. I just need to know…that I won’t fail. Or that if I do…that it’s okay. And there would be people (not just parents and family) urging me to go on. Urging me. Saying that it’s all right to start of slow. I just need to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way. Please tell me that some of you have felt this way one time or another. That people have always wanted to start over and you would love and support people who never started early. I’m a late bloomer. Please, wait for me. With care, 11:10 a.m. - 2002-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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