ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Smile for Me Dear Diary, Everything is so damn crazy and ironic for me. This entire summer has been laid-back, so loose, relaxed. I enjoyed it but too much of something is never good for you. Too much of this laid-back atmosphere, loose and relaxed mood has gotten to me this summer than ever before. I am bird and I hate being caged. I can’t stand being told what to do and I can’t stand always staying in the same place forever. I just realized that. I thought it didn’t matter before. But it does now. I’m not going to use that trite line ‘I’m discovering myself’ shit. But I realized that I have a grown and I’m ready to just get away. I will always need a place where I can feel safe and that’s with my family. But sometimes I just want to experience new things instead of reading them. I want first-hand knowledge instead of just from books. Books have always been my resource for knowledge. Good. Bad. How could I just read and never experience? I don’t want to start hating reading (which is one of my favorite things to do) just because I’m starting to feel caged. Reading will always be a passion of mine. But now it’s just a constant reminder of that I’ve never experience reality. I have experience emotions of reality, and felt the truth. But I want to travel the world learn about it. I want to be cultured. I want to learn it. (I want to stop saying ‘ I want’). Before staying at home and reading was what I did best. But reading about other worlds, other cultures, other languages, and other art. Had made me realize that I don’t want to be stuck in my faerytale books forever (which will be sad…because I know I will). There is nothing wrong with loving faerytales but I’ve been stuck in my own dreamland that I find myself lost in it and I have no desire to return to reality. That’s not right. I can’t fall in love with idealistic thoughts because they will consume me. Reality can be good for you. It shows the pain that you must experience before true happiness could ever come along. So show me the world. Show me what I could learn and I will show you it through my eyes. I proud to say that I am not normal…that I’m not ordinary (‘cause that would be the ultimate loss). You have to step outside of the boundaries and live a little. Wake up and stop thinking so habitually. I’ve learned from Leonardo Da Vinci that if you want to experience life, you must first realize what it great to live (he might have said that and he might have not but I’ve learned it from him and from all that I’ve been through). He is a great man and a genius, I want to learn more about him. He has become someone I want to base my life off of. Genius. Beauty. Character. He is amazing. But here, my rambling of him will stop because I do not want to copy him in every way. I want to be my own person. I want to live my own life and maybe even someday my notebooks will be published and my thoughts displayed in museums. Or Maybe not. It doesn’t matter. I just want to know that I lived myself to the best of it’s potential. I’m tired of living my life in fear (Thanks, Scott) I want to actually look up at the sun and not be blinded. I live my life. No one lives it for me. If I want to do something, then I’ll do it. Great! That over people can do it better than me. ‘Cause there will always be someone better than you. But you have to remember that life is just like that, it IS unfair. But what you do and how you do it, make it the best. You don’t want to live a lifetime of regrets. That would be a loss. And I’m turning over a new leaf (and I hope to God that I don’t turn it back over, like I have done before) I’m going to stop looking at things so negatively and I’m going to smile every chance I get. I’m not going to smile mechanically like I’ve done before and it’s not going to be forced, but I’m not going to hold it back. I’ll smile when I want to and whenever I want to. Smile for me. With care, 11:29 a.m. - 2002-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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