ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rambling Dear Diary, I'm not suicidal (I have been before but I never could go through with it) I could never really hurt myself, there's always something stopping me. I love my family. I can't breath. I'm unbelievably dissapointed in myself, that I swear by the moon, that I have no words to express my shame. I just can't stand myself. I can't look in the fuckin' mirror without wanting to breakdown and cry. I can't be alone anymore, I'm dangerous to myself. I've never been stupid enough to hurt myself physically but I think I'm slowly dying 'cause my thoughts are so depressing. Oh God, I need to believe that miracles are possible, that something amazing can happen, that my insanity won't last forever, and that someone loves me. Someone loves me enough to be patient with my pain, and the slow anger that rises from the pain that the knowledge stimulates when I realize that I'm not good enough. I am so shy now, my social abilities have dispersed (maybe even entirely) and I'm scared to be in public. I can't stand people anymore, I pretend. I pretend that I'm okay that I'm fine with them standing by me. In truth, I just want to sit in my corner and watch. I can't go a day without thinking twenty times that I'm not good enough, inadequate, not-beautiful. I want a push, I want someone to come from behind me and show me something wonderful. Someone show me a miracle. Someone show me that it's not too late to start over and learn something new. That it's okay that I'm not in any extra-curricular activities, but I can be. Have the patience to teach me. Have the patience to be with me. I just need to believe, I'm sooo scared that I've lost my faith. I love God unconditionally. I love him more...I can't say how, but I do. More than brilliance of the stars. But I'm tird of asking, I'm tired of getting threatening thoughts in my head and burrying itself deep within, making me more crazy. More wild, more uncontrolable. Someone save me. Oh God, someone save me. I'm giong crazy. I'm brainwashing myself to believe all these things. I try to tell myself postive things but I'm so fuckin' skeptical and I'm not getting any help because I keep pushin' people away. That's my fault, all of it's my fault. I'm sorry. So sorry, oh God, I'm sorry. What am I suppose to do? I'm so lost and I don't want everyone to know what's wrong, I don't want them to know what's going on in my head. I haven't even begun to write it down yet, and this stupid entry is getting longer the second. I should stop. I just can't, 'cause I have so much to say and so much on my mind, I just want someone to listen. I don't to blame people for my problems. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm not positive. I'm sorry that I'm a dreamer. I'm sorry that I'm crazy, am I crazy? Good. Is that bad thing? Oh, sorry. I just need someone to help me, someone to help me, GUIDE ME, to place where I'm suppose to be. I'm tired of doing this on my own. But, I have to much damn pride to let anyone know. Love me and I'll love you back even more. I promise, affection. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. God, Help me. I'm so fuckin' mad. So angry. I can feel the boiling in my blood and the slow tears coming to my eyes making me look up at the cieling and and take deep slow breaths. I can hardly breath. Maybe that's my problem, not enough oxygen is going to my head. Yeah, that's it, right? With care, 9:29 p.m. - 2002-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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