ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Talons Dear Diary, It’s like a trepidation of happiness. It’s like turbulence within my heart. It might even be the tranquillity of the trees mocking me in a sick way. As I turn away shamed and the burden on my heart growing deeper. I’m alone. Should that matter? My insanity is not only due to the conflicts with my intimate relationships. It concerns my entire life. I am insane because I can’t hold something for too long, intangible. I can’t grasp it, either because I choose not to or because my fear is holding me back, either way, I’ve lost. “ ‘Cause it’s always raining in my head” ~Staind, Epiphany. There’s a storm thundering in my mind, turmoil of lost emotions and too-surfaced ones. Ubiquitous pile of unearthed soul undermining my way of living. My throes are accompanying my smiles. They are sitting side by side but are impossibly different. How is it possible they can coincide? They are slashing each other into bitter pieces. Someone stop them. Too many arguments. A tantrum of emotions. Right. A tome of my life written in blood and the stem of a rose as the quill. I feel tethered into a corner and all the doors are locked shut, leaving me to my imagination. A mind is dangerous place to be. You never know what you can concoct. I want my head to stop tantalizing me, like my dreams and nightmares, one and the same. Stop it. As if there was a huge talon sticking abruptly in my back and scratching all those who dare to come near and hold me. As if it splits to ways, stabbing me in the heart and through the back. The talon is enormous surmounted into a huge sharp annoyance. It is not supple or tangible. Whenever I try to yank it out it grows larger and goes deeper within me, tearing more of my flesh, someday making me into a huge talon of it’s own. And maybe even someday I might be the talon in someone else back. Piercing them through their back into their heart tearing away their flesh. So sue me. With care, 6:14 p.m. - 2002-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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