ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh God Dear Diary, I am overwhelmed wit this sudden feeling of inadequacy. I'm realizing another new idea inspired by my previous entry. I am not all that I say I am, I might even be less or I might be more. I'm in this twilight zone of constant perplexity. I want to know what I'm for, I want to know my fucking purpose. I'm tired of being in the dark and I don't just want to stand here and wait. but, I'm so lost with myself and with my words, that every where I turn is the same conflict. I can't surpasss this stage I am in because I can't find the door or the key... I want to be a better person, I want to be so much more than I am. I want to be smart, intelligent, witty, atheltic, and talented. It's my constant wish and I'm sooo scared to write this down, because I'm afraid then that my wishes won't come true. So here you go. You coaxed it out of me. The only thing deep in my heart that indulge in, the only desire that for myself that makes me so greedy. I want to be the person I've always wanted to be. I want to be smart, intelligent, witty, atheltic and talented. All things I know I'm not. It's the only thing that...geeze, I don't know what I'm rambling on about. My heart and mind are completely going in different directions but sometimes they meet at a compromise and sooner or later one of them breaks the contract and messes up everything. Screwed. I am never good enough. Gosh damnit. I want to do so much more with myself than I am right now. All I'm doing is sitting down on this computer and typing out my heart to billions of people I don't even know. And for what? what's the point? I'm not any closer to where I want to be. And I feel kilke I'm embarressing myself. Why can't I be...as good as they want me to be? Why can't I be involved in more extracurricular activities than just sitting on my fat-broken ass at home eating...all the food in the world. THIS IS HOW I'VE FELT FOR SO LONG. I think I've been hinting at it since I've written my diary. When I first commenced...I hadn't realized how much shit that really runs through my head. I have so much motive but not drive. I'm always in the same exact place that I've been for so, for so long. Oh my God. I am going to break down and sound so stupid. (ah) I can barely breath. What's my problem? I've fucked up so often that my troubles and my happiness started to blend in together and maybe that's why I'm soooooooooooooooo screwed over. I can't tell where I am anymore. I'm soooo stupid. So stupid. So Stupid. (AH!). Maybe I've just brainwashed myself into thinking all these things since I've drooling over it for as long as I can remember. My throat hurts for complaining and crying as I write this patethic entry of desperation. I can't even look at myself in the fuckin' mirror anymore without feeling this sort of dissapointment and pain and narcissity (fuck, did I spell that wrong?). I am everything all at fucking at once. I don't know why, I'm so indecisive. Oh God, I'm so lost. So lost. With care, May May 6:06 p.m. - 2002-06-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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