ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Happiness Writing Dear Diary, I know I can find happiness if I looked for it. But the question is, is do I want to find the smiles? Or do I want to keep my frowns? I don't take happiness lightly. It's a word I reserve with a special definition. I can't recall the last time I was happy, or if I ever was in the first place. My pain, fear, and lonliness has been with me such a while, that I can't tell what I'm feeling or why I am I'm feeling it. Now, I'm so unmoved with emotion that I am nonchalant. Too Nonchalant. All Nonchalant. I am not happy, and yet no longer depressed. Just there. A contradiction between my extremes. I finally picked a gray. ...to say that I've made progess is bullshit and to say that I've made less is an excuse. I don't write anymore because I can't find my inspiration. I used to find my inspiration from my pain. But, since I no longer possess it, I'm without. ::CHUCKLES:: Yeah, I'm without. So, the obvious answer is to write happy poems! Wrong, I can't write happy poems they don't fit me, they dont symbolize me. I've tried writing happy poems, they always turn out like shit. And here you say, "If she were a really good poet as she says she is, she would still have the ability to write with or without her pain". Do painters paint without paint? Do singers sing without their voice? No. Same goes for me. I can't write without my pain. I can't write at all. With care, 10:16 p.m. - 2002-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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