ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Continuation Dear Diary, What is it with me and not being good enough. Is it just me or do you also notice that I'm being a tad bit obsessive. I been taught to write what you know, and all that I've written for is what I know and I feel. It's hard for me to think of something else without coming back to all this baloney about how I'm not good enough, grr. What is it with me and this things about reviews? Is it so hard to just be pleased with something I've done? Or do I always have to have everyones approval? Why should people matter so much? LOL...I thought I said I was calloused and what people say don't affect me. I guess you have to know me, to understand that I'm constantly never what I say I am. And since I am this way, what makes you believe that all that I'm saying isn't bullshit and make-believe. I guess that's where the faith and trust factor comes in. But, it never works out that way, because it's hard for me to believe in those things myself. Faith, I have faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. But what about trust? To be denied, let down, and decieved so often, make it so that that word isn't even in my vocabulary. To have someone come up to and say define TRUST. I wouldn't know what they meant. Damn, I wish I was more confident. I *know* for a fact that I'm not. But, how do I prove to people that I'm actually worth being? I *know* it shouldn't matter what they say, I *know* the only opinion that should matter is your own. But, how in the hell do you make yourself care? How do I begin to mend when I don't know where to begin? HELL NO! I am not getting a shrink, I prefer gettings these problems of my own worked out by myself. Those shrinks are just another face in the crowd, they are just sheep, they don't care about you. LOL, you know what the ironic thing is? I want to a phsycologist. Hm, what a contradiction, yet, again. With care, 10:07 p.m. - 2002-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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