ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Nightmare Dear Diary, I'm a bit hesistant to write this, and my hands are shaking while my eyes are softening and glazing over. A tear rolls down my cheek as I wipe it away from the keyboard to continue typing. I wasn't sure if I should write this entry, but I'm not sure if it's something I want to forget or remember. I didn't know you could cry when your dreaming, literally. When you dream a dream, and your eyes are shut to experience it, and slow tears stream from your eyes. I didn't know it was possible. I knew it was possible to have cry as you wake up. But to already have tears burned on your pillow when you wake up is frightening. I dreamt a dream, I didn't know was possible that could come from my subconscious. It was earlier this morning when I awoke from this dreadfull nightmare of mine. The faint images flutter in and out of my mind, as blurry as a foggy day. I love my family, I do. By God, I promise, I would never leave them. I don't think yet, I have expressed how imporant my family is to me, but they are, they are are my life. I don't need anything else. I don't have friends, because they don't people are sheep. And, I can't stand the way the think, and I can't stand the way the are. I use to have best-friends...but, but that's a different story. I love my famiy, and they are all that I need. We fight so often now, that it's hard to find a reason to live, without anyone loving you. But, I do, I find a reason, because, I know that deep down, they do love me. Fighting, so much yelling. That is what I dreamt of....there was so much yelling and screaming, there was so much emotion and anger, so much pain. I cried in my dream as anger flowed through my veins, in my dream and in my bed. I was scared. I was yelling at my family, and I left them. I left them to live with another family. I yelled at them because I thought that they didn't know love me enough. When I was around them, pain consumed me because I was unloved. Was I unloved? I suppose this is a thought that plagues my mind, but I choose to ignore it, because it shames me. I cried so bitterly it made me afraid to live. Why would someone have dreams like this? It may seem that the dream didn't mean much, but it did. It meant a lot to me. I love my family, I do. I promise. I'm scared though, I am so scared. I'm scared to love them and afraid to leave them. I would never leave my family, because they are all that I need, I don't need anything else. Is there a monster inside me? Inside my thoughts that's capable of feeling this way to my family? To the only people who would and do care about me? I am angry at myself to have these feelings, and I'm in pain because deep down, there's a truth to this dream that I know exists. I use to love to dream, I use to wait all day for night, just to dream, because dreaming took me away from reality it gave me a peace. And now, I'm afraid of it, the only place I thought that my worries would leave me. I'm afraid, I'm so afraid. 11:06 a.m. - 2002-04-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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