ndslotesse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Expressions Dear Diary, I had so much to say, I was typing this before but it got all erased and it pissed the fuck out of me. The entry I was typing in before was a hell of a good one, if I do say so myself. Damn, see? Now, all my thoughts are mixed strangely and I can't sort them. It makes me angry that I have to think all over again about what I was going to say when I already wrote it! GEEZE! I'm such a hard person to get to know. Too damn complex. I wish I weren't. My last boyfriend said I was too complex. My ex-best-guy-friend always defined me as difficult. My dad said I was calloused and my brother, well, my brother thinks I am a bitch. He says that whenever he talks to me he gets depressed, that I'm deep and too big of a pessimest. I can't help it. Just the other day, one of my friends, as I walked down the hall, opposite of her. She exclaimed "Damn, May! Why do you always look so mad?" I was offended. I stood there for a moment as she walked on. I didn't know what to think, and I stood there before I realized I had only a few minutes left to go class. Instead, I ended up going to the restroom. *a minute or so left* I stared at my reflection. Did I really look that harsh? To have someone say to me that I always look mad? Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so directly. But, it made me wonder, what kind of expression do I wear on my face anyways? I turn around to ask one of my friends "Do I look mad to you? I mean, do I *always look mad to you?" She hesistated for a moment, as if I were asking a trick question, and if she said a certain answer I was gonna say something to contradict her. But, I waited patiently for the answer, and she finally answered, "No". She closed the door behind her, but I was still in puzzlement. I went on to ask a few more people and they all said the same answer, "No". I felt satisfied for a while, then it finally came to me, they were lying to me, and they only said "No", just so they could protect my feelings or they weren't paying any attention. By that new realization, I went on to more sulking. I didn't know what to think. So, I tried to smile more often as I walked down the hall, extremely conscious if I looked angry or mean. But, it was so much work that was all that I was thinking about. As soon as my self-pity dissapeared it was replaced with an emotion of anger. Just because I don't smile DOES NOT MEAN I AM MAD! They don't know much about me, do they? They don't know me at all. I don't want to look angry or mean, but when I smile like that it makes me look fake! I hate to look or be superficial. I realized how stupid I was to get this all worked up, I was worried about nothing. It shouldn't matter what they think of me, I'm not going to let their opinions affect me because they don't love me and I don't love them. I shouldn't have in the first place let her comment get me, after all, I can't please anyone. With care, 6:12 p.m. - 2002-04-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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